My nephew—my sister Maggie’s son—posted this photo of his mom on Facebook this morning. I have been looking at it, on and off, all day, waiting for a moment to stop, and let it speak it to me. Now, as the sun goes down and a light snow is falling, I look into my sister’s eyes and I see the whole story of her life in them. I see her mischief and her pain, her wildness and her wonder, her dreams and her doubts. I see her as a young woman, making music in a bluegrass band, picking wildflowers by the side of the road, tapping maple trees, raising chickens, going to nursing school, getting married, having her babies, making her art. I see us together, being sisters, having a language all our own, laughing until we wet our pants, misunderstanding each other, neglecting each other, yearning for each other but not knowing how to cross the divide. I see us rowing toward each other as we both went through our own crises: divorce, kids leaving home, us getting older, getting wiser, and then the long illness, and the bone marrow transplant, and our last year together, and then her death last January. I see all of this in the beauty of my sister’s face. Her whole life—cut off too soon, yet still, her life, her story. I miss everything about her. I’ve lost many people—my parents, friends, teachers, mentors—but I have never missed anyone like I miss my sister Maggie. This missing her has taught me something important: to love the people in my life more fully, more fiercely, more forgivingly. Joyfully, tenderly, vocally. To reach out instead of shrinking back. To say it. Whatever “it” may be--whatever needs to be said, whatever opens the gates, banishes the anger, melts the frozen ground, and gives love the best chance to blossom.
Reach out
My sister, Maggie, around age 20.